Holding the Pieces Together
by Lioncrazey
Summary: What happens if Lisbon's meltdown at the CBI wasn't an act? How would that episode have ended and what secrets would it reveal about both Jane and Lisbon? Mentions of suicide and other like topics, if you don't like, don't read. Will be Jisbon in later chapters.


Um so I thought of this. I will be uploading new chapters at the very latest every week, hopefully daily because I like this one. Based off the episode Red Badge. Grammar's not the best, sorry, I'm tired and editing takes a while so it looks like this.

Disclaimer: I don't own The Mentalist, if I did Jisbon would have happened a LONG time ago.

**Jane**

Starting about a year ago Lisbon had been acting so strange. She only spoke when spoken to; she kept her head down and would not make eye contact. She did her best to hide all of it, she was such a great actor that even I, Patrick Jane, failed to notice until now. Then everything started adding up. Lisbon threw a _chair _through the window, a chair! She had a total breakdown and I don't even know why. If there's one thing Teresa and I have in common it is our ability to shield our emotions. Though what would she want to shield from me? "Goddammit!" I cursed as I kicked the desk in front of me.

"Hey! What'd that desk ever do to you Jane?" laughed Rigsby from across the room.

"Haha, nothing! I just need to watch where I'm going!" I lied back.

I need to get out of here, I should find Lisbon and see how she's doing. Shut up, Jane. You know the only reason you want to see her is to make sure the rock that has kept you sane all these years will still be there for you. I keep muttering to myself, the argument inside my head so loud I didn't hear Bosco come up behind me.

"Jane. Hey, Jane!"

I snapped out of my thoughts and back into reality.

"Oh hey Bosco, what brings you here?"

"Maybe my job? Anyway Jane, you don't think Lisbon would do anything stupid do you?"

Of course, Lisbon. His thing for her is so obvious and annoying, I can't believe she doesn't see it.

"What? You mean like suicide? Nah she'll be fine, even if she did she wouldn't blame it on the CBI."

"Ok then if you're sure, should we send someone to check up on her? Just in case?"

"No. She needs some time alone."

In the back of my head there was a small nagging thought after that. Would she? I picked up my phone out of my pocket. One call to check up on her couldn't hurt, could it? I stared at the picture in my contacts, I took it after we had just solved a case. The sun was angled just right and there was a slight breeze to pick up her hair so it framed her gorgeous face just right. And those eyes, those beautiful emerald green eyes. I snapped the phone shut, this wasn't the right time for that and there would never be a right time for that. Why would she even care about me anyway?

I walked out of the CBI and headed toward my car. How about a little time off? It's not anyone would actually miss me. As I opened my car door, I pulled off my wedding ring and tossed it carelessly into the glove box. I didn't want anyone with me. Not now. I slammed the door shut and stepped on the gas. The tires screeched as I drove out of the parking lot. I don't know where I'm going, how about the airport?

When I reached the airport I took out my phone again and looked at Lisbon's picture. Was I really going to flee the one time she needed me, after she put up with me for so long? The answer was yes, if she didn't want me knowing what was wrong she could handle it on her own. I turned the phone off and tossed it into the car. I picked up my jacket, locked the car, and walked away heading towards the terminal to who knows where.

**Lisbon**

Breaking the window was alright I guess, but I needed more. When I got back to my apartment I shattered all the glass I could. Plates, glasses, vases, all against the wall. I didn't kill that man no matter how much he deserved it. Did I? How the hell would I ever know. All the evidence points to me so that's who it had to be, right? I barked out a half laugh half sob. Of course it was me, hell, even Jane's ignoring me so he _knows_ I did it. Or maybe he just hates me? Why should I care? They're going to either shoot me or cart my ass off to prison soon either way. Shooting seems like the much better option of the two right now.

I pull out my drinks from under the table. Might as well considering that's what got me into this mess in the first place. One bottle maybe. When that was gone I started on my second, and third, and fourth. Maybe I could drown myself with beer? That's an option.

Stumbling over to the stereo I turn on my favorite song and turn it up full blast. I then make my way over to the door and fasten the deadbolt, isolating myself from the world. No one cared before so why would they now? Still clutching my fifth bottle I sink to the floor and turn my face towards the ceiling.

"You proud of me now, Daddy? I'm just like you!" I yelled and screamed and drank even more until I threw up, then continued.

Imagine if the team could see me now, they'd be horrified. Strong Lisbon, brave Lisbon, happy Lisbon. I smirked. Happy. I haven't been that way for a long long time but somehow, I seem to pull off that emotion so well. Maybe it's because I want to be happy, but I could never achieve it. Happiness is for good people, not killers like me. Never me.

I'm actually surprised I managed to pull that off, I even fooled Jane. He never suspected that just beneath the surface something had cracked. The horrors I see every single day, the horror that my father inflicted on me and my brothers, have somehow seeped inside me, all the way to my soul. I grabbed a couple pill bottles and my razor blade collection out from under the couch. I smiled, I could kill myself like this, and that's exactly what I plan to do.

**Jane**

Then I was on a plane. I don't actually remember half of booking and boarding the flight. Where am I going again? I looked at my ticket. New York. Apparently I'm going to New York. That's okay I guess, it's away from here at least, but why there? Oh well, whatever. The stress was getting to me a bit, I looked to my left ring finger expecting the familiar golden band to be there but when I touched it, there was nothing. I vaguely remember tossing it off in the car, why did I do that? At least I wouldn't have to take it off now. I picked up my bag and headed to the small toilet at the end of the plane.

When I returned to my seat the seatbelt light turned on. I ignored it. I reclined my seat all the way back for it was now quite dark. I didn't sleep, though it's not like I ever do. My thoughts consisted of how I would survive without Lisbon. I knew I was being selfish, but I didn't care. She was my rock. Lisbon's just going through a little rough patch right now. It will clear up in a couple of days, everyone knows she didn't kill that man. She'll be completely fine I reassured myself. I needed her to be.


End file.
